Michael DeNicola

August 25th, 2010

 

ZZZZzzzzz.....ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz......

 

Yea, it's been a rough off season. I mean, shit, Ilya Kovalchuk has turned the hockey news into TMZ, Gagne's been dumped, we sign a goon for over a mill but manage to lose a Philadelphia beloved player for 700K, etc etc etc.

 

Flyers fans have much...and I mean MUCH to bitch about this off season. But you know what I'm gonna do? Take the higher road and believe that whatever moves Paul Holmgren made were for this team's best interest for the upcoming 2010-11 season, and the seasons beyond.

I'd like to begin with the Gagne issue. Yes, he's been here for 10 years and God love him for it. He's the biggest reason why we got past the Bruins in that epic 2010 playoff series. But let's be clear about this; ultimately this is a business. Gagne's contract weighed heavy on the Flyers' cap space so he needed to go SOMEWHERE.

"Somewhere" happened to be Tampa Bay. We got next to nothing for him in that trade which is what really pissed off some fans. But the first objective ~ dumping the salary ~ was a success, and we picked up Matt Walker (D) in the process.

What would you have rather been done? Getting something for Gagne now while we can, or watching him walk next year in free agency for nothing?

If you liked the latter, congrats, you're a moron.

But I'm not gonna spend anymore time on Gagne because A) He's a Bolt, and B) I have ADH...oooh, cartoons!

 

OKAY! So, the next issue I'd like to tackle is the whole "why didn't we sign a f'ing goalie!?"

Michael Leighton is perfectly capable of winning 35+ games with the defense we have now. I understand his 5 hole is weak (insert prison joke here) and he lets up weak ass goals, but this is something he can work on during this off season with one of the best net tending coaches in the business!

Also, we have a few prospects climbing up the AHL ladder such as Sergei Bobrovsky. Apparently he's the next big thing and exactly what the Flyers have been looking for as far as a goalie since Hextall. However he's getting used to the rink size here 'cause he's been playing in Europe which has a wider rink than the NHL's. In order to adjust, Bobby's gotta work with his side-to-side movement in net since offensive reaction from the opponent will be quicker due to the smaller proximity. Get it? We cannot sign older tenders like Turco because he f*cks up more than Robert Downey Jr, and we're not signing some young punk like Niemi because we SIMPLY CANNOT AFFORD IT!!! So please, quit bitching. Homer's lookin long term here.

 

Arron Asham.

Asham.

Just writing that name ticks me off.

We all know that former Flyers winger Arron Asham's not been resigned by Philly, but he's signed with PITTSBURGH!!! This guy's been passed through the Atlantic Division like a bottle of Jack at a campfire, and crabs at a whore house.

I don't hate the guy and I appreciate what he's done here in Philadelphia, but he's gone on record saying he hates us now, and we better think twice about picking on Crosby.

Give me a break, you think your words scare players like Pronger, Carcillo, Lappy, Richards and newly added Shelley? Pfffffft, please. Yea, Asham's a tough dude, but with our rough and tough roster we'd treat him like a prison fish!

Flyers fans are pissy because Asham was so quickly to turn his words onto his former team the way he did. Get it through your thick skulls; the man's a team player, and it so happens he's been on 4 teams in the past 5 years....NY Isles, NJ Debbies, Flyers and now the Pens! If the Atlantic Division were an automobile, Asham would be the spare in the trunk....only it would fall out every couple of miles and be nabbed by the next driver. So whatever, thanks for the two seasons...hope your face meets Prongers epic elbow. NEXT!

 

Oh, did you hear? We signed the poor man's Kovalchuk! Back a few months ago (and I'm not gonna bother to look it up) the Philadelphia Flyers decided to sign Nikolai Zherdev. Now before you start making Russian jokes, be warned he wasn't born in Russia! He was born in a Soviet sister country. Ya know, one of those places where the women have bigger johnsons than the men, the people bathe in public fountains, and Vodka's used as a source of Advil, or some shit.

Anyways, Nikki used to play for the New York Rangers but his lackadaisical attitude became a negative issue between the teams' chemistry. So instead of bothering to resign, ol' Zher decided to pack his bags and head back to the mother land and play in Russia's hockey league, the KHL (Kontinental Hockey League) Yes, spelled with a K.

But after Nik was reminded why that red part of the map sucked miles of herpes ridden crotch, he came back to the NHL looking for a home. Welcome, Nikolai.

We signed the bastard for $2M which is half his worth, if you ask me, and one year! So if he turns out to be a 20+ goal scorer and 40 points, GREAT! If not, we cut his ties and let him sink to the bottom of the toilet. So it's an easy brainer. Oh, and he's wearing the #9....I imagine all the puck bunnies hate hearing that.

 

Getting somewhat back to Asham, I cannot help but discuss newly signed goon and forward, Jodi Shelley. He comes to us from the New York Rangers and happens to be a very good defensive offensive player. But signing him for over a million was asinine and I fail to see how that makes sense and we let Asham walk to Pittsburgh for 700K. But hey, I digress. I'm not in the office making the decisions, and Holmgren obviously knows more about the sport than I do, so maybe this signing pans out and all of our question winds up turning into a foot and shoved down our throats. Similar to last year's off season, and then we went to the Stanley Cup.

So I've decided to quit questioning Paul Holmgren's labyrinth logic, and just let the ball roll. Either way, I believe this team is going to be outstanding, finish in the top seed(s) and create on hell of an exciting season.

Riley Cote retired. Yes, you read correctly (if you haven't heard the news). Tough guy Cote decided to hang up the skates and grab a clipboard, for he is now the assistant coach of the AHL affiliate, the Adirondack Phantoms. So good luck to him, and Philly loves ya, Cote.

I realize I haven't discussed ALL of the off season's movements, trades and signings, but I imagine by now (if you gave a shit) you've heard of it all. So why bring it up all over again?

 

What I'm looking forward to this season, and why:

October 7th, Flyers @ Penguins - We all know why. It's the season opener. Plus with the whole Asham thing, Pittsburgh's new shithole arena, Crosby's blatant need for dick in his rectum, blah blah blah....it's an awesome rivalry.

October 14th, Lightning @ Flyers - Gagne's back in town and deserves a standing ovation. You da man, Gags.

November 4th, Rangers @ Flyers - Even though every game versus the Rags is exciting, I always keep my eyes glued to the television hoping that Sean Avery takes a skate blade to his face. I DON'T WISH DEATH, so calm down. I just want him ending up crawling off the ice loosing more blood than a victim in "Friday The 13th". Not to mention my favorite NHL heavyweight Derek Boogaard's a new Rag and I'm lookin to see him and Shelley drop mitts and share fists (<--- that sounded a bit ghey)

November 16th, Flyers @ Canadiens - Montreal's done ab...so...lute...ly NOTHING about their size and braun on the ice. It'll be fun to watch our Bullies bareback these little Frenchies all over the ice (<--- also, kinda ghey)

December 4th, Devils @ Flyers - Firstly, it's Christmas time and I'm one jolly human being during the Holiday season. Something about Christmas and Hockey all at once gets the fluid in my ballbag buzzin and boiling like a bee on honey covered nipples. Secondly, if New Jersey manages to sign the pre madonna, Ilya Kovalchuk, it'd be a delight to watch our tough guys kick the shit out of him with physical play and shutting him down at our blue line (which is something that astounds me -- how in the hell have teams not figured out that Kovi's strength is making his move at the blue line? Ya shut that down, you shut him down as a whole)

 

Anything further than those games will have to be talked about when we cross that bridge, because WHO KNOWS what kind of drama each team (or our team, for that matter) is going to bring to the table?

 

As for me, I'm outta here kids. Good night. Good hockey.