Michael DeNicola

01/26/11

 

So the entire league has a break in their schedule due to the All Star events. Happens every season around this time and it keeps die hard hockey fans, such as myself, bloodthirsty for a week.

We all know the All Star Game will be a bit different this year. And one of those differences is Marvel Comics' "The Guardian Project" created by the famous Stan Lee will be debuting sometime between periods.

The thirty teams' characters have been unveiled and I can't help but chuckle at a number of them. Sure, everyone's got an opinion and I'm sure this project seems kickass to a lot of people out there but I find it to be quite stupid.

I realize it's just a gimmick DURING a gimmick but considering I'm left with nothing to write about for the next 7-days, I figured I would go ahead and attack each Marvel Guardian character one-by-one.

Let's get to it ---

 

The Bruin

Yogi Bear and Rambo if they made sweet love. That is one mad mammal. What's with all the fire in the background? Did the Viet Cong crash a picnic? Stan Lee thought long and hard for this one. He simply said, "Let's go with a bear only make it look like a juiced up Madonna". 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Sabre

Here comes....THE SABRE! What's a villain to do? Oh, I know. Turn on a goddamn heat lamp. That icicle in his hand will turn into a palmful of water. By then the only threat he'll pose is watering the weeds on my lawn. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Flame......r

I admit, the power to manipulate fire is one badass super power. But nothing about Calgary's Guardian character is badass. It's like a cross between The Foot Clan from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Freddie Mercury's wet dream. I find it comical that this hero is stopping a reign of asteroids from destroying our planet below, but the real Calgary Flames blue line couldn't stop an 86-year old Beatrice driving her scooter out the front door of an old folks home.

The colors used in this photo, however, are....FABULOOOOOUS!!!

 

 

 

 

The Hurricane

Don't try and attempt to light your candles around this piece of work because he blows harder than George Michael behind a closed door. Stan Lee had to try to make this guy look non-threatening. For Christ sake, he's weaing a f*cking wedding dress!

 

 

 

 

 

The Blackhawk

You kidding me? Helicopter Man fires jizz from his palms. Stan Lee stood there questioning how he can turn Robo Cop into a Transformer. This is what he got. I'd be more scared of a hooker with crotch-crickets than this asshat.

 

 

 

 

 

The Avalanche

This guy aint too bad. The face and skin pigment may be similar to Captain Planet, but other than that the hero's powering his flight using ice rockets. ICE ROCKETS!

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Blue Jacket

I don't get it; did Stan Lee get the special effects director from Wild Wild West when he thought this one up? It's like a Civil War vet mates with a Verizon Wireless Android.

The Columbus Blue Jacket; firing a round in every direction except the correct one. How ironic.

 

 

 

 

 

The Star

Let's look past the fact this hero's saluting Hitler for a moment and focus on his feet. What's up, pal? The superhero store ran outta boots so you're stuck with toe socks?

And answer me this; Why is Swamp Thing wearing a powerback pack?

 

 

 

 

 

The Red Wing

Someone dial the creators of the Speed Racer series and ask for your share of the money awarded to them for copyright infringement.

The hell is this? Looks like our Red Wing hero is having problems with his training wheels. And when the tread depth on your tires is deep enough to destroy the asphalt beneath you, perhaps it's time you drop some weight or head back to Pep Boys.

And why is he pedaling? He's got two enormous rockets attached to his wings. Take your seat, hit the ignition and enjoy the ride, bud!

 

 

 

 

The Oiler

Oh, fantastic. BP Global is training terrorists now. While The Red Wing's annually spending thousands of dollars on fuel to power those winged rockets of his, this son of a bitch is running around firing off black gold all over the place like it's water. Excuse me, Lord Browne, save a few sea creatures and shut your shit down, alright?

 

 

 

 

 

The Panther

Well it's finally happened; Batman and Catwoman had offspring and he's a chalkboard nightmare to every grammar school student in the world.

Nice manicure, kitten.

 

 

 

 

 

The King

What exactly is this guy's super power? Apparently it's the ability to dodge every break in the earth's crust. Good to know that if my vacation to Hawaii turns to hell, this hero will be around to guide me out.

Something tells me that cape is not very practical in situations such as these....

 

 

 

 

 

The Wild

This hero is a hit at the techno clubs. The unbelievable ability to fire glow-necklaces from his paws will come in handy next time I decide to roll on ecstasy and listen to Nikolay Zherdev's iPod. I bet he'll get billed by his tanning salon for those goggles.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Hab

Cobra Commander must be royally pissed off. Not because he's dressed in red, but because he's got a Montreal Canadiens logo on his chest. And Iron Man never said this hero could borrow his boots.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Predator

I dig this Guardian. It's simple and to the point. A sabertooth lion running upright and slicing through brush. At least I know what would happen to me if I were a villain.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Devil

What am I looking at? Looks like Mr. Ed grew horns and ate too much Baja Fresh. And what's with the thigh? Is this hero wearing Arnold Schwarzenegger as a leg pad?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Senator

King Leonidas meets The Birdcage. This hero and The King both share a knack for avoiding volcanic disruption. And what is that glowing torch he's holding in his right hand? Is this guy a superhero or part of a lynch mob?

Let's not overlook that Shamus here is sporting an iron kilt. The Senator will riverdance you to your demise.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Flyer

He's the Flyer and he's got wings. I get the connection. What bothers me is his super power to grow an erection made of smoke.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Coyote

Teen Wolf goes dressed as Wolverine for Halloween. Apparently this hero lives in a mountain that resembles a T-Rex. I'm not sure exactly what that's supposed to mean. There's a lot in this picture that I have no clue what's going on.....kinda like Phoenix's ownership.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Penguin

Don't worry if the apocalyptic planet earth gets iced over because Silver Surfing Cyclopse has it covered. Come frozen trouble, this Penguin will certainly dive right in.

I guess the power to slide like Tom Cruise in Risky Business has its perqs in the crime world.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Shark

Oh, you are so screwed.....if you go in the ocean.

Not to self: Don't go in the ocean. If you stay on land The Shark can't do a damn thing.....sort of like meeting it in the Western Conference Finals.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Bolt

I can't get over this guy's pure white mohawk. How exactly does that work to his advantage? Does he use it to whip every television airing a Just For Men commercial?

Then again, this hero has the power of manipulating lightning. The Greek god Zeus had the same power and he was the alpha god. I guess all I'm saying is unless you want your ass zapped and fried, don't talk trash about this guy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Maple? Leaf?

What the hell have the Toronto Maple Leafs done to deserve this corny superhero to represent them in The Guardian Project? This forest dwelling creature's super power is to grow endless amounts of root whenever he wants.

So basically he's a Ron Jeremy with morning wood?

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Canuck

Super Moby Dick has the powers to walk and stomp on water. He also wears that dolphin trench coat like a badass. Of course we all know he's powerless without his twin beside him....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Capital

Half man. Half eagle. I've seen something like this before in Louisiana when a man was arrested for sexing a chicken coop.

In this picture The Capital is pointing and saying, "There went the Canadiens".

 

 

 

 

 

 

 The Ranger

Who would have guessed Judge Dredd was a Rangers fan? And if you ask me, this Captain America knock-off should be operating that floating snowmobile with both hands. Hey Doc Brown, if you need to shield yourself then perhaps using one of your two free hands isn't the smart decision. Just because the apocalypse occured doesn't mean there's no more rules of the road.....uh, or friendly skies!

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Duck

Stan Lee went completely the wrong way with this one. When was the last time you saw a duck in the ocean? If you ask me, the Duck Guardian should of been in flight wearing a bomber jacket, sporting goggles and smoking a giant cigar, but the creators decided to put him on a suped up hover-board and dress him like Jacques Cousteau on P90-X.

And he doesn't even have a super power! A friggin flightless duck who can toss a half-ass harpoon. LOOK AT THAT THING! Looks like it should be used during a Billiards competition. My friends and I have tossed lawn darts bigger than that straight in the air and scattered....

.....that reminds me; RIP, Nick. I miss you, baby brother

 

 

 

 

 The Islander

Bane from Batman and Cleatus the Robot are absolutely stunned. Their dumpster baby, The Islander, has survived its garbage nightmare and led a life of vengeance! This Guardian hero wastes no time firing his ridiculously large grappling hook in the face of danger.

When his powers are needed, the citizens of Long Island shine his symbol in to the night sky. Problem is, he has yet to report....

 

 

 

 

The Blue

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say I don't think St. Louis Blues fans are happy about their Guardian hero being a creepy pedophile. I'm surprised he's wearing pants. Usually exhibitionists are nude under their trenchcoats.

You know this guy enjoys his hours spent in those disgusting porn shop stalls yanking his pudd to Dyke Hard. What in the hell was Stan Lee thinking? I bet this hero's weapons are a pair of binoculars and a rag soaked in chloroform.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Thrasher

The Thrasher decided to raid Magneto's wardrobe, grab two fistfuls of dry ice, light a few firecrackers under his feet and call himself a superhero.

Don't mind the searchlights behind him. They're just looking for a couple dozen hometown spectators. Apparently the Thrasher's performance went unseen in the Atlanta skies....